A Book

 

There are some things that I can write about so freely. The words just come and everything flows out and I don't think or get in the way. I just write.

And then there are some things that sit inside for a really long time. And the words don't seem to ever arrive. Nothing I try to write seems quite right. Not enough.

That's how this blog post feels. I've been writing it in my head since I was five years old. Before there were even blogs. These words have been swimming around inside.

There are little girls who dream about becoming pop stars and princesses, but I only held one true dream: to be a storyteller and have my heart forever encapsulated on the pages of a book.

I cannot even write that without feeling my heart race and swell.

This one true dream.

In books I found peace. Refuge from the chaos of my day to day world.

Hope.

Possibility.

Home.

Then one night last year, as I was skimming my emails (Braedon practicing his cello and Lily suck-sucking on her binky) I saw it:

Blablabla... I'd love to have your work featured in my book... blablabla.

When I tell you that time stood still, that is the worst understatement of all time. Ever. My head began spinning and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my cheeks.

Everything stopped. Just like that, I was going to be IN. A. BOOK.

Of course there would be other photographer's work featured along side of mine, and of course I might only get one tiny thumbnail in the corner of the index page- but in that moment, none of that mattered.

My one true dream.

That little girl, with bandaids on both knees, huffing and puffing her way to the library day after day. A thermos of microwaved canned soup in one hand and her library card in the other. Hours upon hours tucked between the jars of butterfly wings and raw honeycomb in the dusty back corner of the children's section.  Every inch of that library, forever etched in her bones.

My one and only dream. To be in one of those books.

And then last week, while on the phone with a friend, the UPS guy knocked. "Package!" he shouted.

It's here. And it's real. And there are our cover images, and our back cover images, and hundreds of our images. And I couldn't even breathe when I held it for the first time. And I can't breathe even now.

Emma Arendoski, you will never know just how grateful I am.

This is a big deal for me. And it's so hard to share.

It's hard to share because when your one true dream comes true you kind of want to keep it protected and locked away in a place where it can never be ruined or spoiled or lost. But that is exactly why those tears came on that night and why they well up heavy in my eyes as I type these words. The magical thing about books is, nobody can ever take them away. Even the ones that have been burned and destroyed always end up on the top shelf of someone's closet tucked away inside a hat box someday.

And there is such amazing company with me in these pages. Memories that will never ever be tarnished. Beautiful couples who honored and humbled me by allowing me into their most sacred of days. Kathy and Keller. Amanda and Jim. Kelsey and Russel. Robyn and Lou. Jennifer and Freddie. Bonnie and Alex. And Chelsea at Everthine. And beautiful Abby. Being able to present this surprise to you is, by far, one of the most exciting things ever in my entire life. Ever.

And my Thomas. Whose name I was sure to credit for every single picture he took so that we would forever be together in the Library of Congress catalog. There is nothing more romantic or incredible or immortal that I can think of.

Maybe someday our grandchildren will tuck away in a dusty library corner.

"Look!"

They will giggle as they point to our names side by side on the page.

"Our Great Grandma and Grandpa took these pictures together!"

And that? That's everything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mount Hope Farm Wedding

Wedding Planner // Sarah True from True Events Vintage Rentals // Kathy Glass for Sassafras Vintage

Hair and Makeup // Jennie and Lindsay for Jennie Fresa

Flowers // Becca Olcott for  Petal Floral Design

Dress // Everthine Bridal Boutique & BHDLN

Accessories // Amanda Judge for Untamed Petals 

Our Assistant Photographer  // Heidi Finn

Location // Mount Hope Farm

 

This couple wants their wedding to stay super private. I love that about them.

So here is a little, teeny tiny peek.

 

Thoughts on Evolution

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you." -Saint Thomas

It has been a little while since I have shared my heart on here. The truth is, I have been writing long, personal stories, but then I freak out and delete the words, and instead share only the images. I haven't judged the silencing, or pushed it. I have just been waiting and seeing what rises to the surface. There are times to share and there are times to receive.

This past week has been utterly transforming. In the stillness and vastness of the Vermont mountains, so many truths emerged. Questions that have been oh so patiently waiting for answers, were finally realized. Inner combat zones laid down their weapons and waved their white flags. Breath, restored. Hope, glowing.

 

 

A few days ago, I was casually chatting with a woman sitting at a table next to me in a restaurant. When I told her I was a photographer her eyes sort of glazed and then she said, "I have always wanted to be a photographer. I have always dreamed of capturing exotic birds. I have a notebook at home of ideas, and places I would visit. I've even got maps glued in there! But I've been working at the bank in town for so long, and I have this life here, sooo..." She stared at her pancakes and swirled the syrup with her fork. "I have wild dreams, too!" I shared. And then I realized that while I'm not stuck in a cubical or doing the 9-5 grind, I am just as guilty of ignoring my truth.

It is time for me to be courageously sincere with myself and my dreams. Those wild dreams of mine? It's time.

Truth be told, my wild dreams are always evolving. I have now come to accept that as s a soul-centered woman, this constant evolution is as natural as drawing a breath.

I have now come to terms with the fact that I have always, always been evolving. Burning away what no longer serves, cultivating good, healthy soil for new seedlings, self-reflecting openly while lighting bold fires to keep the predators at a distance. Diligently doing the soul work to bring me to the next level of truth.

And the wildest of wild of outrageous dreams that arrive like tsunamis in my bones? Those aren't to be feared any longer.

But here's the part I wasn't expecting: When I finally said, "Yes!!" to embracing my most fabulous and juiciest of desires, I began to feel sharp pangs of shame for the facade I had been parading around town for so long. Sort of like visiting your Grandmother and seeing that awful school picture of when you had braces and insisted on having your bangs as high as a can of hairspray would hold em.

The only thing I could do, was counter it with radical self-forgiveness and acceptance. I spoke to a radiant soul-sister and mentor about this, and she belly laughed! "All part of it! All part of it."

She's so right.

I used to be a little pageant girl with a perm and a collection of lipsticks. I used to be a sorority girl with acrylic nails and bleached hair. I used to subscribe to homemaking magazines and wear pearl earrings. Blah, blah, blah.

We have all thrown on costumes and played pretend. So what? We cannot allow a loyalty with these facades to overpower our responsibility to express our most radical authenticity.

The important thing is that you make it out, wake up from sleepwalking, put your brave heart on your sleeve and warrior-up. As clumsy as it can be at times, we must move in the direction of our precious individuality and calling.

Forgive yourself for selling Tupperware when all you really wanted to do is play the tuba in a polka band. Forgive yourself for buying that fancy car just because you thought it upped your worth.

Forgive yourself, burn away what is not longer needed, and then smudge your cheeks with the ashes and march on.